Fighting Zombies

Tonight I went to a local arcade to celebrate my friend Chris's 31st birthday. I suppose he wanted to negate the fact that he's getting older by going somewhere full of pre-pubescent teenagers and I was okay with that. Every now and then you need a night where you feel young. Among the blinking lights and joysticks, my friend Natalia and I played the game House of the Dead. Picking up my large blue plastic gun, I shot at zombies on the screen who were trying to kill us. At one point, giant yellow letters spread across the screen to inform me that a zombie got to close. It simply read, "You're damaged!" 

The thing is, I already knew that.

I wasn't always damaged or full of baggage but year by year it just gathered up, collecting like dust on my conscience. I can't recall when it started, but I believe I was young, feeling guilty over hurting my brother or feeling awful after a boy called me ugly in class. Some damage never goes away. Yet there's something beautiful about children who haven't been touched yet. 

My friend Paola has a five year old daughter named Natalie. I spoke with her, the other day, and she told me of her new Barbie book and how her goldfish, Hanna Montana, sadly died recently. Natalie has the largest beautiful brown eyes that stare up at you with wonder and excitement as she tells you stories and animates each one with large hand gestures. She was given a free blue watch after Paola purchased them tickets to see the new film, Wall-E. Upset at first, she asked the attendant if they had one in pink. The ticket girl shook her head and Natalie just shrugged. She didn't throw a temper tantrum, she didn't complain, she just accepted it. While walking away, she told Paola that when she grows up she wants to own a movie theatre that gives away pink watches. It all seems so easy and possible to her.

And that's what's beautiful. She hasn't been harmed yet. She's full of life and hope and possibilities. She's clean and it pains me to think that one day something will make her cry that's not her two day old fish dying. 

But I didn't think about that tonight. Instead, I accepted my damage and moved on. I put some imaginary bandages on my character and let him continue fighting zombies, just as I continue going through life. I don't give up after each set back. Rather than mulling over my baggage, I hold on to it and learn. I keep it and move on because it's part of me. It's all part of who I am. I may be damaged, but I'm okay. And right now? Honestly, I'm better than okay.

I didn't win the game tonight, but I did beat the first level. Tomorrow I'll beat another and then another until one day there wont be zombies in my path.