Testaments - Number Three

(Renee from A Beautiful Day in the Reneeborhood brings us today's post! Her story illustrates being on the other side of a break up, and how sometimes the right person can change you...for the better. Enjoy!)


I was of the "Love 'em and Leave 'em" persuasion for a couple of years. I was sober for a good solid year, but I fell off the wagon following a break up my freshman year of college. I always do the breaking up. I am, indeed, a chronic dumper.

Senior year of high school, I blossomed. I found myself. Well, I was forced to find myself, as all of my friends had graduated. But, as I found myself, I also found Josh and John and Chris and Will and Matt. I dragged them along for the ride. Though I was finally figuring out how to tame my hair and what kinds of pants are most flattering on my oddly uneven hips, I was severely insecure. (Was? Still am.) When I discovered a boy was interested in me, I latched on. And if it happened to be more than one boy interested in me, I dated one then the other. I broke hearts. I loved it. It validated me. I felt powerful for the first time in my life.

The relationship with Matt lasted quite awhile... but it ultimately went downhill, as it often does with two people who can't stand to be wrong. I was the one breaking up with him, but I was also the only one with the broken heart. And it numbed me. So I started again. Matt pushed me off the wagon.

The first two years of college were two years of "playing the field," as my mom would call it, "dating around," as I would tell others. I wasn't promiscuous, only the select few got to first base. I had lost my identity when I lost Matt and needed to find myself again. Along the way, I found another Will and Alex and Russ and Craig and Andrew and another Andrew and Derrick and Teddy. And again, I always broke it off... even when Teddy wrote long emails riddled with Billy Joel quotes, even when Will offered to buy my 19 year-old self vanilla vodka... I broke it off. I got bored with them. But really, I was bored with myself. I heard that there were other fish in the sea but I felt the need to try them all. What I didn't realize was that the relationship that made me numb had absolutely numbed me to the core. I was being completely selfish. I just wanted the free dinner and booze. I wanted someone to admire me, someone to laugh at my jokes. So I let them wine and dine me, and soon I would break it off.

Then I met someone *I* admired, someone who made *me* laugh, someone who healed the numbness. And then I swore off breaking up for good.