Testaments - Number Seventeen

(Today's Testament is brought to you by Matt from A View From 5280 Ft. It's very honest, very personal, one one of the most serious posts written by a guy yet. It deals with bad choices and lessons learned. Enjoy.)

I don’t write about my past relationships very often. This is for good reason…this post wont be funny, it will be honest and I am going to try my absolute best not to make myself look good but instead, write exactly what happened. What happened-happened in the past and I’m ok with things now. So please, don’t feel like you have to email me and tell me you’re sorry.

While I was a sophomore in high school, I would go get high with some friends and we would do what most guys did, try to pick up hot chicks at the mall. Most of the time we would just wander around and converse with girls we went to school with, girls we were familiar with. I really had no game (and still don’t) but there was one day, during the summer of 1997 that I saw the one. The girl of my dreams. Her name was Myra and she was everything I always looked for in a girl. She was from Texas, staying with family here in Denver for the summer.

I got the courage to ask her for her phone number but of course, she didn’t know it off the top of her head so she took down mine. We practically spent all fucking summer together and I fell in love for the first time. When she left back to Texas, the first couple months or so we would write each other all the time. Almost everyday. It truly was teenaged puppy love but at the same time, it really hurt to have her gone.

After a year had gone by, she slowly made her way out of my short term memory. Letters would only come every five or six months, filled with a whole lot of nothing. Just small updates about school, work or whatever you know. There was no more substance in our letters. It was safe to say, I had moved on in a big way and never really thought about her anymore.

It was right after I graduated high school I met Dana. She was two years younger than me and we had met on the actual day I graduated. Things started off slow with Dana and we did the things new couples did for a very long time and slowly but surely I fell in love. Deeply in love. We would do everything together and spend every waking minute together but somehow, we never got tired of each other. Sure we had our downs and would fight over stupid kid shit (you know, jealousy shit) but everyday, I would look forward to seeing her.

We were together for almost three years, Dana and I. The last year was really rocky though. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t entirely my fault. A part of me started looking for a way out, anyhow- then, when I would find a way, I never had a reason to take it, so I would stay…and we would fight…about absolutely nothing. Until…

You guessed it. Myra moved to Denver and looked me up. She called me and we talked but of course I didn’t tell her about Dana. Wouldn’t you know it; I broke up with Dana three days later so that I could start spending some real time with Myra. I told Dana that we just didn’t have anything in common- it was total bullshit, we had everything in common. Dana of course, was heartbroken…and to be perfectly 100% honest, I made myself not feel bad about it.

So the next four weeks Myra and I started hooking up again and I was positive that she was the one I wanted. I convinced myself I made the right decision, the best decision I could have made. Myra started getting settled in Denver and I helped her as much as I could…but we were both 19 years old at the time and didn’t have a lot of money. She was living at her sister’s house where we would spend most of our time. We would drink almost every night- a lot of what we did revolved around partying…which was awesomely fun at first…Until…

I started missing Dana. I mean, really. Fucking. Missing. Her. All of a sudden my perfect decision was the worst decision I ever made. What to do, what to do. My heart wasn’t with Myra anymore, it was with Dana.

I confessed my love to her in a drunken state one night (romantic, right?) and of course, without hesitation, she took me back. I hadn’t even told Myra what was going on yet…she had NO clue. So the next day, when I sobered up, I broke the news to Myra. I decided to be totally honest with her and tell her exactly what had happened, no matter how it made me look- because she deserved the truth. I was telling her everything…Until…

She told me she was pregnant.

Had to be a lie. She had to be telling me this so I don’t leave her. There was NO way she could be pregnant. I told her a great deal of mean things to get her to leave my house, quit calling me and pretend I never existed. Turns out, the pregnancy was real.

I decided just not to deal with it at all. I didn’t do anything for Myra, she basically did everything herself and the only help I offered was financial. Dana would cry when she imagined another girl giving birth to my child…I was uneasy and would get sick just thinking about everything I had done…or not done for that matter.

About six and a half months into her pregnancy I started to grow up and be a man about the situation. I decided to start helping Myra, I mean really helping her- and listening to her. She hated me and I really don’t blame her at all. I was an immature dickhead who seriously needed a beat down for the shit I had put her and Dana through.

I was stating to accept that I was going to be a father and started thinking of names (we already learned it would be a boy at that point) and making arrangements to bring him home and what not. Dana stood by every step of the way and started becoming accepting of it all herself.

A month later Myra went into labor. It was three weeks early. She delivered the baby, but he had undeveloped lungs (because he was tiny) and they had to put him in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He stood with us for almost two days until he passed away…on Ash Wednesday.

After this happened I was a wreck for a little while. Dana ended up leaving me and I started using drugs and drinking…A LOT. I suppose that none of it was meant to be, none of it at all. I was so young…immature and ultimately, naïve.

But the lesson I learned is to love the one you’re with. Something may come along that’s looks better but, nine times out of ten, it’s just temptation. It’s true that you don’t treasure something until it’s gone and by the time I realized what I had with Dana, I had ruined everything. We tried to hold on but realistically, I doubt any relationship could have weathered that storm. I learned that love isn’t something you toy around with and other people’s feelings aren’t something to fuck with. I learned how to own up to my mistakes but most importantly I learned how to do the right thing…even if it’s not easy.