Testaments - Number Twenty Three

(Today's Testament is by Lauren from Strict Shenaniganist. Lauren delicately deals with the subject of why guys are absolutely crazy sometimes. And they are. Enjoy!)

He said “I think I’ll go to Boston….”

I met Ryan the summer after my sophomore year of college. It was my second summer at Penn State but the first time I was living off campus and I was stoked. I had joined a co-ed service frat that ended up being more about serving booze than serving the community so I was prepared for a summer of partying. I met Ryan in July. One of my frat brothers brought him to a party I was at and after talking for awhile and teaching him how to do “The Love Slide” (thanks for that one, R. Kelly) we exchanged info. Screen names and cell numbers. The usual. I didn’t really expect to hear from him—he was at least a year older and boys just never call when they say they will.

Color me surprised when he IMed me later in the week. We talked online for a few days and eventually made plans to go out on Friday night when he got out of work at the HUB desk. (The HUB was our student union and Ryan worked at the front desk, answering useless questions all night). He told me he was getting out of work at midnight. I made a Starbuck’s run with my friends that afternoon and loaded up on caffeine so that by the time he called (at 12:03—shocking for a boy), between the caffeine and the nerves, I was basically a big ball of jitters.

Ryan picked me up and we went to my frat brother’s place, which was actually a relief because I knew I wouldn’t be totally out of the loop. When we showed up, some girl was there, a friend of Ryan’s, with attitude to spare and in a pissy mood. Ryan left me to go deal with her but returned shortly and suggested we go outside for a smoke, giving up on her and his “friend duties”. He smoked a cigarette and had a beer or two and talked about everything imaginable—and not your standard “first date” chit chat either. I told him I’d never been on a picnic and he told me that he was falling into his same relationship pattern—after his relationships, he usually took 2 months off, then ended up finding the next girl. He broke up with his ex in May. I figured I was in.

By 3am, our friends were ready to call it a night so he drove me home. State College is really the city that never sleeps so OF COURSE we had an audience while he walked me to my door. They started heckling us and Ryan finally laughed it off, saying the only thing to make it better would be if we both leaned at the same time and clunked our heads. He said he’d call me later that day because he planned on skipping work. Then he paused, put his hands on my waist and kissed me.

I couldn’t sleep. I was head over heels for this guy. I flitted upstairs to my roommate Hussy’s room and flopped on his bed. Thank God for his late hours and video game addiction. I told him all about the date until I could tell I was girling him out and then I went to bed--or tried too. I couldn’t sleep. I was out of bed and online by 9am and Ryan IMed me. He asked me if I wanted to go on a picnic with him. I was thrilled! Of course I wanted to go. It was so sweet of him to actually listen to something I’d said. I was floored. This type of behavior—this acting normal and sweet—I hadn’t found this in college guys yet.

He picked me up around 11, cooler of snacks in hand and we drove to our picnic spot in the woods. Looking back, I realize I was pretty much a dumbass. Sure, we had a mutual friend, but I barely knew this guy. Our first date started after midnight. Our second was in the middle of the woods. I didn’t even realize at the time that I shouldn’t have gone because I was just so into this guy. And, it seemed, he was into me too. He packed a really great spread; he thought of everything from different types of bread, to ice packs for the mayo and mustard, plastic utensils and even grapes for dessert. GRAPES! Come on now!

After the picnic we went back to his parent’s place (It’s not as lame as it sounds. He’d just moved home and his new lease hadn’t started yet.) We spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies. His parents came back later in the afternoon. I figured this HAD to be a good sign. I mean, you don’t introduce a girl to your parents if you don’t want to see her again. The “what happened to that nice girl you went out with this summer? That sweet little thing with the curly hair?” conversation isn’t one most people willing set up. He drove me home and we hung out for a bit more at my place, talking late into the night again. It was fun getting to know this guy. He was so cute. And cool. And a musician. With a band. Added appeal.

The next day his away message said something like “back to reality.” I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad but he got in touch with me Tuesday or Wednesday and he came over to watch movies with me. He brought over About a Boy because it was his favorite and he knew I hadn’t seen it. He brought American Gangster for us to watch. He even covered my eyes during the shooting scene. When he left, I asked him if he wanted to grab his movie—he said not to worry about it; he’d just grab it when he got About a Boy back the next time we hung out.

We were going to do something on Friday. I planned to cook him dinner. I spent all of Friday afternoon waiting for the phone to ring. I texted him to see if we were still on. I never heard anything back. When I finally IMed him about it a day or so later he told me he thought I was getting too serious. I, who had made sure to keep things casual when I talked to him? Versus him who had planned a picnic for our second date? I didn’t even know what to say. So I asked him why he blew me off. Brace yourselves for this because there’s no way you’ll believe what I’m about to say:

“My mom won this radio contest with Clay Aiken and she really loves him so I had to stay and help her clean the house and get everything ready.”

What. The. Freak?! I mean, that’s almost too elaborate an excuse to be a lie, but it’s also so out there that it just has to be. I couldn’t even respond to that. I mean, what do you say? Oh really? That’s cool! Is Clay as gay in person as he seemed on Idol? So I just let him keep talking. That’s when he said he thought we shouldn’t pursue this because he had decided to move back to Boston.

Fine. Great. OVER.IT.

School started 3 weeks later and I was ready for it. New year, new classes, new boys. The first week, I was at the HUB with some of my frat brothers (our “office” was upstairs) and I’d gone down for a Gatorade while my friend grabbed a smoke. I met her in front of the elevators but when I turned I thought I saw Ryan walk past me. I had to do a double take to see if it was really him. It was.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” I screamed at him, too angry to censor myself.

“Uh, grabbing lunch”, he said, like nothing was wrong, but at the same time, trying very hard to walk past me without getting too close.

“I THOUGHT YOU MOVED”, I yelled, unable to keep my voice at a decibel that didn’t have everyone in a 5 table radius staring at me.

“I did.”

That was it. That was his answer. He moved. To where? Because the last time I checked, the HUB was NOWHERE NEAR Boston. I was crappy at geography but even I knew that. And the last time I checked, he told me he was moving to Boston and he had started packing up his stuff. I just stood there, stunned, saying, “Okay….?” I kept repeating it, over and over, until my friend dragged me into the elevator and it was over.

I still have his movies. He never asked for them back. He knew he was wrong. He had to have known it. That’s what I like to tell myself anyway. But what I love to tell myself, is that he was crazy. He had to have been. Split personality or something. Because why a seemingly normal guy would invent a story about an American Idol castoff and a move to a different state just to avoid a third date is beyond me. And it’s beyond normal.

It was a total relation-blip. Barely long enough to register on my dating map. But it did register. And it did mess me up a bit in future relationships. It had me paranoid. I kept wondering what fake celebrity the next guy would use. What state he would try to fake moving to. When the next guy was a few hours late in calling me, I was sure I was being stood up again.

But I got over it. And now, I’m almost thankful to Ryan. Sure, he was an ass and had no idea how to treat people, but it’s always great, when people ask about your past relationships, to be able to say, “Well, one guy told me he blew off our date because his mom won a contest with Clay Aiken.” And, when people thumb through your movie collection, it’s fun to say “Oh, that one. I got it from a guy who said he HAD moved to Boston—even though I was talking to him, face-to-face, in the middle of Pennsylvania.” And you know I love a good story.