A Party

Last night I found myself in the middle of a college party with three people I know and yet feeling ultimately alone.

After work yesterday I drove up to Gainesville to visit Samir for the weekend. He had a bunch of plans for us, all written out, to guarantee me an enjoyable visit (and this includes us visiting a butterfly center!) So last night, after dinner with friends, we attended two parties so I could meet some more of his classmates up here. The first was, of all things, an oyster bake. Set in the backyard of a house miles from campus, oysters cooked on an open bonfire that filled the air with gray smoke. People mingled around the fire and the nearby table that housed the rest of the food. A truck sat there as well, carrying more food, beer and of course the staple of all college things, plastic blue and red cups. A keg resided nearby.

The atmosphere was friendly. Although I stayed by Samir the majority of the time, only knowing the two other people we came with, everyone there seemed nice and welcoming. A dog ran around between our legs, begging for people to throw her frisbee. After much conversation and oysters a plenty (for everyone but me), we decided to leave and venture towards the next stop, a law school party. For once, I left a party smelling of fire rather than cigarette smoke.

The second party was more nostalgic, reminding me of those I attended while still in college. Old door thrown open, crowds of people were standing idly inside the living room, leaning on the walls and small amount of furniture. It was a college house after all; even Ikea is too expensive. The kitchen held more people and shot glasses were passed around, deposited randomly on the table, not to be thought of again. In the garage, next to the tables that would later be used for beer pong and flip cup, was the keg with the, again, blue and red plastic cups.

Outside we stood. Again, meeting people and trying to fit in, I was pleased to see the subject of law wasn't approached very often. The people here seemed more solid, more set in their cliques. Not as willing to include. I stood by Samir, and when he left to get a drink or greet someone new who I'd later be introduced to, our friend Kathy who, like me, wasn't in law school. Instead, her husband is. We know how to choose our men.

Kathy is now a middle school teacher. Being out of college for a year, she understood how I felt. She was going through the same thing. We felt singled out, as if a spotlight shined down on us announcing that we were outsiders, intuders. And I wasn't sure why it felt so different from the first party. Maybe it was the crowd.

Holding my cup, I felt out of place. Like I wasn't supposed to be there. Sure, with Samir, I'm always comfortable, but being thrown back into a situation I experienced so many times from age 17-22, was odd. I could recall arriving to those parties, running to my friends to hug. I remember the wooden tiki bar George built in his backyard, the bonfires Jason used to contain. I remembering pre-partying at my apartment and then having someone else drive my friends and I over. I remember being excited to see someone, something. It was my time and I loved it.

But there, two years later, I wasn't part of it. Although most people were around my age, they weren't my people and subsequently, they weren't from my time. I did that already. I drank from those cups, I stared at those fires.

It was nice meeting people, it was nice being by him. And because this is his time, his final year in law school with his people, I tried to be a part of it. I smiled and conversed and laughed. But really, every part of me felt out of place.

After a bit, noticing my lack of comfort, Samir took me home. We passed some people on the front lawn playing beer pong and creating their golden days. Back at home, we sat up for a bit and talked about the future we plan to make. Together. One that doesn't involve beer pong and plastic cups. One that does involve friends and visits and travels. One that no matter how out of place I am, I'll always feel happy.