Preparations

Day two has been better than day one. Everyone is more relaxed. Still empty, but not as intense. Chaya's body was flown to NY yesterday and is now with my Uncle. They were going for Nathan's hot dogs, last I heard.

I baked a lot yesterday, tons of homemade pumpkin muffins with chocolate chips and cream cheese frosting. I bake when I'm thoughtful, when I just don't want to think anymore and would rather busy myself with measurements and flour. Plus it was a nice treat for my parents for shiva. They enjoyed them quite a bit, when I went over there today after work. 

Everyone has really been amazing to me. Deirdre wore her bright old lady couch green shoes to work today to make me laugh. Colure left me a lovely voice mail and then spoke with me on the phone for a while and promised pumpkin lattes and a coffee date. Megan has been amazing, checking in on me every few hours, sitting through Gossip Girl even though she doesn't like the show, and forcing me to try on halloween costumes because she knew it would cheer me up. Go figure, it did. And Samir, well, Samir has been better than great, being my solid figure through it all. He was basically on call all day yesterday, even while in class. He offered to come see me last night, to drive the two hours, but I told him school was more important, so he'll be here Friday. I look forward to that. And you all have been fabulous with your caring comments. I really appreciate it. (As do my parents who, after hearing about it went, "what's a blog?")

Going back to work was fine today. Not many people knew, so I didn't get worried glances or questionable looks. Instead, I pretended everything was normal, that nothing was bothering me and the visions I keep seeing in my head of a waxy face weren't there. It worked, it really did.

Next week we're decorating the house for Halloween, so I have something else to be excited for. Today at my parent's house, after dinner, I went for a ride on my dad's bike down the street and up a few blocks. I haven't been on a bicycle since mine was stolen in college and I've been meaning to buy a new used one for a while. It was nice riding along on his bright blue bike, waving at the joggers and walkers. The wind blew through my air and cleared my mind. I was biking toward something, I just didn't know what. So I kept going, kept riding until I couldn't see the past and only saw the sun setting on the horizon.