Joe and the No-Doz

(I guest blogged this once before, but decided to put it up on my own blog as well. The story still makes me laugh in retrospect.)

We've all been through the horrors of cramming for exams. Some people take it calmly - worrying a bit, but convinced that their semester of studying will pay off. Some people ignore books and classwork up until the night before the exam. I was more like the former, whereas my friend Joe was definitely the latter.

During my sophomore year of college, Joe and I had Irish Literature together - a class that focused on plays written by Irish writers. I only remember She Stoops to Conquer so clearly I learned a lot in that class. As the final exam approached, Joe and I started to cram each night. Knowing his way of studying, I forced him to come over and go over notes with me. We'd reenact the plays and use different voices for each character. We'd attempt the Irish accent, but that never went well. Mine always came out sounding like a southern version of Lucky, the leprechaun. "She stoops to conquer...me lucky charms!"

The night before the exam started like any other night. I had just finished up a final essay for my Literary Theory class when Joe came over. Holding something behind his back, I knew he was up to something that I more than likely didn't want to be a part of. With a glimmer in his eye, he presented me with it... a tiny white bottle of NoDoz.

"Oh no. I can't, Joe!"
"Why not? We can stay up all night!"
"I don't drink caffeine." I protested, "Imagine me taking these? I'd foam at the mouth or something." I had given up caffeine in high school. After learning I was hypoglycemic by fainting from lack of food while ordering a meal at a Subway sub shop (true story) the doctor said I should lay off the caffeine.
"Fine, then, more for me!"

With that, he popped five pills in his mouth.

"Joe. Seriously. Are you crazy?"
"YES I AM!" And then he had three more.
"GIVE ME THOSE!" I yelled, grabbing the bottle. My roommate Amy heard the commotion and came out of her bedroom.
"What's going on?" She asked.
"Joe's trying to overdose on NoDoz." I factually replied.
"Sweet! I want in!" Oh Amy, she always wanted to join. With that, she took two pills. Joe grabbed one more out of my hand before I could say anything. I had the last one because I didn't want him to die.

After preparing some snacks, we finally got to reviewing the ten plays we had to know for the exam. A few hours later all plans backfired.

Joe went crazy.

Now, to be honest, Joe was known for doing some insane things. He jumped out of a second story window into bushes just for fun. He belayed off the top of our dormitory down to the ground just to feel the air on his face. He ate the mystery meat in the cafeteria. Nothing ever surprised me when it came to Joe, he loved to live life on the edge. But that night, I was finally, begrudgingly, surprised.

Grabbing some orange electrical tape I had left over from a Halloween costume, he taped his fingers together and ran down our dorm's hallways creaming "Lobster lobster lobster! I'm a lobster man!" He jumped on my bed for ten minutes straight. He grabbed a water gun and ran up and down the stairs, looking out for "suspicious people." I followed him the entire time, making sure he was okay. He had so much energy that nothing could contain him. But with all highs come lows and a bit later a very large low hit.

Joe thought he was going to die.

Sitting with my head in my hands wondering if we'd ever get back to studying, he crept over to me and said, "Lauren? I, um, I think I need to see a doctor. I think I had too many pills. I'm dying. Yes, definitely dying."

At 19 years old, what do you do when one of your best friends admits to you that they think they're dying? That's right, you freak out. As Joe's face grew whiter and sweatier, I grabbed my keys and roommate and ran to my car, all while holding on to Joe, acting as his support. Amy drove and I silently prayed for Joe to be okay.

At the hospital Joe told me that at his funeral he wanted the song "California Love" by TuPac to play. He said he wanted it to be a party with streamers; he wanted everyone to have a good time. I filled out forms and answered questions while he planned what foods were to be had. I answered every person, assuring them that no, he was not trying to commit suicide, we just had a test. A very hard test. He likes life, he wants to keep living.

Still jittery, Joe tried to concentrate on the doctor as we were informed that everything would be fine. Joe got an injection that sped up the NoDoz and he was prohibited from ever touching it again. I thanked the doctor and told him that I'd watch over the patient. To this day, I'm almost certain he hasn't had NoDoz again.

Back at home, I let Joe sleep in my bed as I cleaned up our living room from the hurricane force activities. I sent a quick e-mail to our teacher letting her know that we wouldn't be at the exam due to a late night hospital visit and asked when we could make it up. For once, we had legit doctor's notes.

Hours later Joe woke up in a haze. He found me reading the teacher's response, telling us that we were fine and to find her later that day to schedule a retake. "What happened?" both her e-mail read and Joe asked.

"Oh, not much. Just your average NoDoz overdose. You know, the usual."