There's an episode of Sex and the City where, upon having breakfast with her friends, Miranda storms out, upset that the girls only want to talk about men, rather than other, more important things. I kind of felt like Miranda the other day.
This past weekend a few friends and I went up to Jacksonville for a bit of a girls getaway. Seven of us from all over the state met up for two nights/three days of relaxation by the pool. No work, no projects, no stress. I loved being by my friends again, these people who lived two minutes away while in college. It's sad now that we're spread across the state, the country.
Throughout the weekend, however, one topic remained on everyone's lips - no, not guys, but weight. Each one of us was (or still is) a circus performer and with that comes some strings. Upon exciting the high flying world, we gained weight. It was natural. No matter how much we worked out, our bodies could never be the same due to the fact that we were no longer working out as voraciously muscles some people don't even know they have. Personally, I changed quite a bit throughout my four years there. Going from not even 100 pounds at the age of 17, I was weak, but quickly gained muscles. By junior year I was steady at 113 and stayed there, solidly, for the remainder of my time in college. But as I let go of the trapeze, those once well shaped body parts grew over. Although my abs are still present, they're covered by skin after skin.
At first, it really effected me. I never really had a problem with my body-sure I wasn't the smallest girl in circus, which does hurt sometimes, but I was okay with my size. I knew I was still tiny. Now, four years later, I've learned to like my body. I'm not 113 anymore, but I grew into myself. My hips filled out, giving me curves like my Italian ancestors. My cheeks aren't bone thin and other more favorable areas gained some much needed weight as well. Admittedly, I'm not even five pounds more than I was while in circus, but still. I feel like me now, I guess.
My friends don't see it the same way. With constant exercise, they're trying to keep the bodies they once had. The entire weekend they discussed our weight from yesteryear, comparing each ripple to the other toned girls at the pool. Now, by no means are my friends overweight, on the contrary, they're all incredibly small. It wasn't so much shocking that they were talking about this issue 90% of the time, it was more so upsetting.
In my Miranda state, I wanted my highly educated friends to be talking about interesting subjects-books! movies! music! the state of the economy! But weight? It wasn't necessarily on the top of my list. Plus, being a bit bigger than them (at least in the thigh area), it made me start feeling insecure. If they thought they were big, what about me?
I hate how the state of the world agrees that to be beautiful, one must be thin. With us, I understand the reason behind trying to maintain a body that once was. But still, can't we all just adjust - grasp what we've turned into and savor it? We won't have these bodies forever.
In the end, I just wanted my friends to see themselves how I saw them - incredibly beautiful and wonderful. They don't need to change, don't need to adjust. I wanted our weekend to be free of constant bothers, but I suppose they followed us, much like the bodies we all once had. I just wish we could leave them at home, packed up tightly in the back of our closet, hiding them from all to see.
(Related: If interested, I wrote this article for a local newspaper a year ago regarding body images.)
10 comments:
I think most women deal with the weight issue at some point in their life. The complexities of the circus weight are interesting ones, for sure. I think it's important that we all, at some point in our lives, find beauty in something other than weight. Seems like you're well on your way. Maybe you can be a role model to your friends.
While I was never a circus performer, I had some nice abs from being in chorus for six years. I miss them. Maybe they'll come back now that I'm a Zumba star. ;)
I HATE having those same conversations with friends. It always makes me uncomfortable. I always have felt that if someone is whining about their weight, they are almost always very insecure and looking for positive comments. I wish women would be a little bit more forgiving of our bodies. You are right. It's a boring topic of discussion.
I don't think your friends were even thinking about your body. Women are so single-minded when it comes to weight issues and usually only see their own. Be glad that you're not as much of a Negative Nancy with your body as they are with theirs. They still need to accept their bodies.
State of the economy?- Bad.
Next subject.
Let's talk about Twitter.
No? I'll go now
I told Kevin about this actually, and all he could do was sigh and shake his head and tell me how women are so terrible to each other. ;p
It's tough, though - I've found that even at my smallest weight of 85 lbs my freshman year of high school (certainly NOT a healthy weight, even for someone at a mere 5 feet in height), I wasn't happy with my body. There were still areas I wanted to improve, still fleshy, soft areas where I found fat that in my mind should have been toned and tight. I'm not sure we can ever truly be happy with our bodies, regardless of the size or state they're in, until we make the decision to be happy and content with ourselves regardless of physical appearance.
I still struggle with it, and I am definitely more than 85 lbs now. It's hard when it's so easy to compare yourself to those around you.
But as for my friends - you're absolutely right about that. I don't see their flaws, I see how lovely they are regardless. Can't help but wish everyone could see themselves the way we see them, you know?
Aah, what is it with women and their bodies? We just can't be satisifed. Sounds like you've got the right attitude though :-)
And I agree with Herding Cats - talking about nothing but weight all weekend would bore me senseless too!
This has been on my mind a lot lately too, as I have friends much smaller than me that will bemoan their weight and sometimes do dangerous things to maintain it or lose it. It makes me so self-conscious around them because I'm taller or shaped differently so I look bigger. But if I come home and look at myself in the mirror I can't help but be satisfied. Of course I have spots that I don't fully appreciate, but even those I'm trying to. Sometimes I feel like a freak for wanting to exercise just to feel and be healthier.
And it is especially difficult when it's someone intelligent and fun and you could be talking about something way more interesting.
Plus, next to my large, manly boyfriend, I look very tiny...so I've got nothing to worry about. ;)
It's okay to complain about it like once or twice but the entire time? I would have been annoyed too. Don;t get me wrong I hate my weight and the way I look and of course I'll always wanna be skinnier but to constantly talk about it? I feel you and would be annoyed too if I were you.
I'm sorry you felt that way Lau. I completely understand your reasons for wishing we had discussed a different topic and I applaud you for becoming comfortable in your own skin since circus. I know it will take a lot more time for me to do the same.
Not that it matters, but I think the reason we all discuss it when we get together is that no one other than us really understands the feeling of our change. From a toned performer clad in skin tight spandex briefs and a barely - there bikini top while flying through the air, to a lack luster girl sitting by the pool in her newly sought after bikini that hides what she hates but still shows parts she doesn't like. It's more complex than weight I think. But that's just my opinion.
Next time we are together, NO weight talk. Be assured.
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