For the longest time I had this desire for escape. I still do, every now and then. I have that vision of me driving, missing the turn off the interstate on my way to work. Keep driving, don't look back. Start a new life somewhere else; live paycheck to paycheck. See the world. Focus on travel and experience, not money and sufficiencies. Escapism at its best.
But I never do. I can't. Strings hold me back, tying me in place.
The other day my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. We didn't think it was serious; we actually thought she was overreacting. After numerous tests, we were proven wrong. She's old, we know that, but we forget the fact sometimes. Her heart is faltering, as are other crucial organs. She's okay right now, she'll be out of the hospital next week, but still. It's serious. We know that now. It was a shock, really.
I went to visit her during my lunch break on Friday. Walking through the stark white hallways I feared the worst - beeping monitors, wires hooking her up to confusing machines. But I didn't get that. She was asleep, comfortable in her bed. I was shocked by how frail she looked, exposed almost. But there weren't scary machines around her; despite the situation, she looked comfortable. Fine. I left her a note, work called me back, and heard later on that she loved it, showed it to all the nurses. She's still a bit of a braggadocio, in a cute grandmother way. She's more concerned about missing mahjong than her health.
Driving back to work, I could have kept going - I could have passed the entrance to the building and drove to the ocean. But I didn't. I went back, opened my office door, turned back on my monitor and resumed working. I never escape, not because I can't, but because too many things keep me planted. People are holding me back. Life is holding me back. You never know what might happen when you're gone. I want to be here for everything. Everyone.
5 comments:
I have that same fantasy.
I have the same fantasy too. I just wanna escape and start a new life somewhere. But I guess what you wrote about people needing you in your life is true too. This is why mini getaways and vacations are necessary. You can escape, do things you like at least for a while.
Ps. Sending prayers to my grandmother. Wish her feeling better soon.
It was so hard watching my grandparents get old and frail, losting their joie de vivre. Now I see it happening to my parents. It's always a nice fantasy to think about running away and living a carefree life, but sticking it out and taking responsibility is part of forcing ourselves to grow up I guess!
I'm calling you on this one:
I don't think you really want to get away. ;) Maybe you used to, because you secretly, or openly, wanted to live an "On the Road" existence. But the reality is, you love your life.
And many people will envy you for that.
It's true: we all get old. And one day, when we do, we might ask ourselves was it all worth it? Did I do the things I wanted. All those questions. But, in the end you can't look back...what's the expression? Hindsight is 20/20 or something? You have to live the life you WANT to live now. If that's out on the road (and paychecks aren't always that regular out there) then good. If it's "at home" because that's where the friends and family and lovers are, then it's also good. Just live whatever you are doing to the full. Don't look at the things binding you or keeping you trapped; honour the choices you're making for yourself...right now.
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